This Troublesome Mind

Let me fly... man I need a release from this troublesome mind...

I'm still in a lot of denial. What else am I supposed to do? I just can't accept it until I see a report, a tissue sample, a paper that says it in hard, cold, hand-sweating, heart-pounding, knock-the-wind-out-of-you black ink. Until then. Until then...

I don't want to die. I whisper the word forming it in my mouth, slowly getting the feel of it on my tongue and in the back of my throat. It comes out as small as I can make it.

It's so funny. It's not because I think this life is so valuable... it's because I have this love in my bones and it's just fading from me minute by minute. It makes it hard to laugh, it makes it hard to plan or dream. And it makes it hard to say things like I'll love you the rest of my life. Fucking cancer. It seeps joy out of every joyful moment.

And I try and I try and I try. To take every moment and hold onto it. I take a walk and smell cut grass and listen to Damien Rice and feel the wind... but inside I think about my little boy growing up without me. I think about the way he plays with my hair, throws his arms around me and whispers "Mamma, I love you." Inside I think about this man I love and how I can't leave him with this pain. I just can't. I promised to be there and help carry all his burdens and ease every trouble I could. So I'd be breaking a promise... and I can't, I just can't break this one. Not when I just found the things I want to live for.

And I know, blah blah blah positive bullshit... but you know what? Sometimes it fucking HURTS. And I'm positive. I'm still holding onto it being a mistake. I'm still confident that if it is real that I have amazing people around me and I'll be ok. But it doesn't mean that sometimes I have to sit and think about what might happen. That it is a possibility. And it's BUUUUUUULLSHIT. And that's just how I feel today.