Don't stand there and say that word. It comes so casually from your mouth. You pass the burden of it on to me, its meaning a crushing weight. Nose bleeds. Lumps. The funny dimples in my skin. Aches.
Nothing.
This is nothing.
Instead you tell me it's everything. My entire life held in a 3inx4inx4in mass, firm, non-mobile... thus sayeth the report. My current god. Aggressive, you say. Aggressive,they say.
The music stops. I hear a buzzing in my head and smell a funny smell... like gunpowder or sulphur. This must be what it feels like when... but there is no when... this is how it feels. I breathe. I breathe. Oh, how I breathe. Gasping... in, out. Hot. Is it hot in here suddenly?
Was it the alcohol? The cigarettes? Fried food at 2 am, red meat...
or
Not enough faith, not enough devotion, not enough belief...
or
Anger. Bitterness.
Too much of anything I've ever indulged in?
I have people being strong for me. But I don't need that. I have people who tell me they just can't be strong for me. But I don't need them to be. Right now... right now I need a taste of normal. Today. Today this is what I need.
I still fight this diagnosis. I still fight a poor prognosis. I still want to listen to music, and dye my hair purple, and imagine I'll be in love with this wonderful man forever, and see my boy grow up, and have friends who are old fucks like me, and bury my parents in their old old age. What's wrong with that.
Fuck Cancer.
1 comment:
I hope this weekend had some tastes of normal. I know your strength, and I know you don't need mine, and there are days I won't have it, where I just want to cry, but I will always do my best to give you what we have and not distort it baby. I don't want our love tainted with fear or worry. The love is strong and we are strong, and we will fight diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, anything, and through it all we will smile and laugh and do dumb voices, hold hands, kiss in public, lick each other's faces and continue to show the whole world what love is supposed to be. Didn't we say our love could create world peace? I think it can fight this too. I love you baby.
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