Risk

Leaving home was an earth shattering event.

I walked through big terminals where he could not go. I watched all the people coming through the gates. Cold stone floors. Escalators going up forever. Delays and cancellations. A small red blanket I paid $12 for. The cold air was too much to fight when I was already fighting tears. Small cups of water handed out to the waiting masses. This should not be.

I wanted every minute again. I wanted time to pause for us.

These few days without him have been marked by a pain in my chest. A physical pain. Nothing tastes right either. I look in the fridge for the food we made together only to realize I'm looking here, not there. I wake up with words on my lips for him, questions, comments, wanting to tell him about the dream I was having. But he's not there. My brain seems to refuse this. Its fighting for this to not be real.

Shh. It's real.

That's what is so beautiful. This ache is incomparable. In fact I wouldn't trust this without the ache. Without the pain to verify I would always question. But now I know I have fallen into one of the rare and beautiful things that still exist in life. To love and be loved. The highly sought commodity is mine for a moment, and then I fly away to fast and pray to gods I do not trust that this be always always just this. Simple and unfettered. This always be just this.

And he reaches across the distance and holds me closer than I've ever been held with just his words and his voice. And I say, "Tell them it's real, tell them it's really real," and it's a song he doesn't know, but that doesn't matter I think of leaning my head back into his laughing kisses and how my hands know to make him happy is to make me happy. And the circle we are weaving around each other, the one that might drown us, we build it stronger, it takes a life of its own and it condems us to this love that just might conquer all, if we take this risk.

I think we will take the risk.