I am discontentment.
I am perfect peace.
How can I just sit here and let things happen to me? I want to do. I want to be creating and making and using my hands. I want reams of paper to fill. I want paints that make colors and magic and brushes that simply act as an extension of my brain. I want fabrics to sew and monsters to make.
I am tired of this waiting I've been doing.
I want to read things that inspire me again. I want to push myself. I push my hair into a mohawk because, today, it wants to stand on end. And I let it do that. But really I want to run my fingers through it and then cut pieces of it off, snip snip snip, until they make it sometime somewhere something... else.
I am eating no animals. I am putting no toxins in my body, except the ones doctors feed to me. The ones that cause me to go back to the hospital in shock. Oxygen. I needed oxygen. No more.
This lethargy is unacceptable. I moon over the leaving of my home and the distance from my lover. I listen to music and try to find the thing that resonates. I am on the verge of falling back to this and that, or leaping forward.
1.06.2008
1.05.2008
2007, in 1000 words or less (aka Year "WTF")
January
started my last quarter of school
got pneumonia & went to the hospital
had to drop out of school from missing 3 weeks
February
struggled to keep my job
health was still bad
struggled to keep my apartment
lonely
mom has cancer
Started catching up with Ryan again
March
quit my job
quit my life to move in with parents
FINALLY got divorced (after nearly 2.5 years of separation)
Boi's
April
Mom has surgery
Start talking to Faythe again
Find out Dave is pretty cool
May
Sister gets sick & goes to hospital
Odd jobs
getting bored
Ryan is mesmerizing
June
I have a crush
I break the rules and say the LIKE word
life is rough around here
July
I have a real boyfriend for the first time since high school
the 4th would have been 5 years
Mom's a lot better
August
First Dallas trip...
We drop the L-bomb
Texans
September
Beau turns 4 (impossible)
Minor nipple problems
He comes here
October
Halloween
More Dallas time
November
Hospital for the boob x2
I turn 24
The Thanksgiving Incident
I'm in love
December
I have cancer for 12 days
I spend most of this time with Boyfriend
Fly to Philly
Get an apartment
I know what I want
New Year's kiss
started my last quarter of school
got pneumonia & went to the hospital
had to drop out of school from missing 3 weeks
February
struggled to keep my job
health was still bad
struggled to keep my apartment
lonely
mom has cancer
Started catching up with Ryan again
March
quit my job
quit my life to move in with parents
FINALLY got divorced (after nearly 2.5 years of separation)
Boi's
April
Mom has surgery
Start talking to Faythe again
Find out Dave is pretty cool
May
Sister gets sick & goes to hospital
Odd jobs
getting bored
Ryan is mesmerizing
June
I have a crush
I break the rules and say the LIKE word
life is rough around here
July
I have a real boyfriend for the first time since high school
the 4th would have been 5 years
Mom's a lot better
August
First Dallas trip...
We drop the L-bomb
Texans
September
Beau turns 4 (impossible)
Minor nipple problems
He comes here
October
Halloween
More Dallas time
November
Hospital for the boob x2
I turn 24
The Thanksgiving Incident
I'm in love
December
I have cancer for 12 days
I spend most of this time with Boyfriend
Fly to Philly
Get an apartment
I know what I want
New Year's kiss
For Being Wrong
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
for being wrong.
I don't know what it is. I don't care. It's not... NOT... NNNNOOOTTT cancer. I'm about 99.9% positive. There is still a sliver of doubt in my mind because they still don't know what it is... and when you have 3 doctors say Yes, this looks like cancer, I think it's cancer it makes it really hard to just believe.
But I do believe... that sometimes life blossoms from mistakes. Sometimes life turns into something beautiful when you're wrong.
for being wrong.
I don't know what it is. I don't care. It's not... NOT... NNNNOOOTTT cancer. I'm about 99.9% positive. There is still a sliver of doubt in my mind because they still don't know what it is... and when you have 3 doctors say Yes, this looks like cancer, I think it's cancer it makes it really hard to just believe.
But I do believe... that sometimes life blossoms from mistakes. Sometimes life turns into something beautiful when you're wrong.
12.13.2007
This Troublesome Mind
Let me fly... man I need a release from this troublesome mind...
I'm still in a lot of denial. What else am I supposed to do? I just can't accept it until I see a report, a tissue sample, a paper that says it in hard, cold, hand-sweating, heart-pounding, knock-the-wind-out-of-you black ink. Until then. Until then...
I don't want to die. I whisper the word forming it in my mouth, slowly getting the feel of it on my tongue and in the back of my throat. It comes out as small as I can make it.
It's so funny. It's not because I think this life is so valuable... it's because I have this love in my bones and it's just fading from me minute by minute. It makes it hard to laugh, it makes it hard to plan or dream. And it makes it hard to say things like I'll love you the rest of my life. Fucking cancer. It seeps joy out of every joyful moment.
And I try and I try and I try. To take every moment and hold onto it. I take a walk and smell cut grass and listen to Damien Rice and feel the wind... but inside I think about my little boy growing up without me. I think about the way he plays with my hair, throws his arms around me and whispers "Mamma, I love you." Inside I think about this man I love and how I can't leave him with this pain. I just can't. I promised to be there and help carry all his burdens and ease every trouble I could. So I'd be breaking a promise... and I can't, I just can't break this one. Not when I just found the things I want to live for.
And I know, blah blah blah positive bullshit... but you know what? Sometimes it fucking HURTS. And I'm positive. I'm still holding onto it being a mistake. I'm still confident that if it is real that I have amazing people around me and I'll be ok. But it doesn't mean that sometimes I have to sit and think about what might happen. That it is a possibility. And it's BUUUUUUULLSHIT. And that's just how I feel today.
I'm still in a lot of denial. What else am I supposed to do? I just can't accept it until I see a report, a tissue sample, a paper that says it in hard, cold, hand-sweating, heart-pounding, knock-the-wind-out-of-you black ink. Until then. Until then...
I don't want to die. I whisper the word forming it in my mouth, slowly getting the feel of it on my tongue and in the back of my throat. It comes out as small as I can make it.
It's so funny. It's not because I think this life is so valuable... it's because I have this love in my bones and it's just fading from me minute by minute. It makes it hard to laugh, it makes it hard to plan or dream. And it makes it hard to say things like I'll love you the rest of my life. Fucking cancer. It seeps joy out of every joyful moment.
And I try and I try and I try. To take every moment and hold onto it. I take a walk and smell cut grass and listen to Damien Rice and feel the wind... but inside I think about my little boy growing up without me. I think about the way he plays with my hair, throws his arms around me and whispers "Mamma, I love you." Inside I think about this man I love and how I can't leave him with this pain. I just can't. I promised to be there and help carry all his burdens and ease every trouble I could. So I'd be breaking a promise... and I can't, I just can't break this one. Not when I just found the things I want to live for.
And I know, blah blah blah positive bullshit... but you know what? Sometimes it fucking HURTS. And I'm positive. I'm still holding onto it being a mistake. I'm still confident that if it is real that I have amazing people around me and I'll be ok. But it doesn't mean that sometimes I have to sit and think about what might happen. That it is a possibility. And it's BUUUUUUULLSHIT. And that's just how I feel today.
12.12.2007
I can't believe I'm posting this...
Ok... so a lot of people have been asking for updates... so I'll start at the beginning and let you know what I know...
About 5 weeks ago I noticed a lump in my left breast with little to no pain and was mildly concerned about it, but my age made me pretty confident that there was nothing majorly wrong...
The first time I visited the ER they were pretty sure it was either a cyst or a tumor and even then I figured if it was a tumor it would be benign. Alot of women in their early 20's get benign tumors called fibroids in their breasts. Approximately 2 weeks later, the day before Thanksgiving, I noticed that overnight my lump began to be extreemly painful and there was red from my armpit to my nipple. The nipple had begun to retract (pull in, like an innie belly button) and had a bruised look to it. Also the skin was dimpling, almost like the surface of an orange peel.
I went to the ER again and they treated me for an infection, which seemed to help the redness, but the lump stayed. I took the medicine for about 2 weeks and within days of being done with it the redness had come back. I went back to the ER and they sent me to an Urgent Care Clinic where that doctor told me the clinical diagnosis was Inflamatory Breast Cancer, a rare and very aggressive cancer.
At this point I'm wading through red tape and trying to get into the system from every angle imaginable.
There is currently no biopsy or PET scan to confirm that this is cancer, so, call me crazy, I'm choosing to hold onto the hope that the doctor who made the diagnosis was WRONG. And I would gladly forgive him if he was...
The reality is though, that I have been tired and in pain for no reason for weeks, I have had 3 periods in the course of 6 weeks (yeah...), occasional nose bleeds and a significant amount of weight loss, and hair loss. And upon palpation of my lymph nodes the doctor noted that they are swollen.
So I am prepared to hear that this doctor is correct. And we're currently acting with the thought that the worst case scenario is our reality.
Most of the time I am ok, although this is still so fresh that I find myself bursting into tears unexpectedly. I have had so so so many people offer help, support, prayer, time, an ear, money, but most of all love! Thank you so much guys. I'll keep you posted.
:)
"...everything will be alright, everything will be alright..."
About 5 weeks ago I noticed a lump in my left breast with little to no pain and was mildly concerned about it, but my age made me pretty confident that there was nothing majorly wrong...
The first time I visited the ER they were pretty sure it was either a cyst or a tumor and even then I figured if it was a tumor it would be benign. Alot of women in their early 20's get benign tumors called fibroids in their breasts. Approximately 2 weeks later, the day before Thanksgiving, I noticed that overnight my lump began to be extreemly painful and there was red from my armpit to my nipple. The nipple had begun to retract (pull in, like an innie belly button) and had a bruised look to it. Also the skin was dimpling, almost like the surface of an orange peel.
I went to the ER again and they treated me for an infection, which seemed to help the redness, but the lump stayed. I took the medicine for about 2 weeks and within days of being done with it the redness had come back. I went back to the ER and they sent me to an Urgent Care Clinic where that doctor told me the clinical diagnosis was Inflamatory Breast Cancer, a rare and very aggressive cancer.
At this point I'm wading through red tape and trying to get into the system from every angle imaginable.
There is currently no biopsy or PET scan to confirm that this is cancer, so, call me crazy, I'm choosing to hold onto the hope that the doctor who made the diagnosis was WRONG. And I would gladly forgive him if he was...
The reality is though, that I have been tired and in pain for no reason for weeks, I have had 3 periods in the course of 6 weeks (yeah...), occasional nose bleeds and a significant amount of weight loss, and hair loss. And upon palpation of my lymph nodes the doctor noted that they are swollen.
So I am prepared to hear that this doctor is correct. And we're currently acting with the thought that the worst case scenario is our reality.
Most of the time I am ok, although this is still so fresh that I find myself bursting into tears unexpectedly. I have had so so so many people offer help, support, prayer, time, an ear, money, but most of all love! Thank you so much guys. I'll keep you posted.
:)
"...everything will be alright, everything will be alright..."
12.08.2007
No. No. No.
Don't stand there and say that word. It comes so casually from your mouth. You pass the burden of it on to me, its meaning a crushing weight. Nose bleeds. Lumps. The funny dimples in my skin. Aches.
Nothing.
This is nothing.
Instead you tell me it's everything. My entire life held in a 3inx4inx4in mass, firm, non-mobile... thus sayeth the report. My current god. Aggressive, you say. Aggressive,they say.
The music stops. I hear a buzzing in my head and smell a funny smell... like gunpowder or sulphur. This must be what it feels like when... but there is no when... this is how it feels. I breathe. I breathe. Oh, how I breathe. Gasping... in, out. Hot. Is it hot in here suddenly?
Was it the alcohol? The cigarettes? Fried food at 2 am, red meat...
or
Not enough faith, not enough devotion, not enough belief...
or
Anger. Bitterness.
Too much of anything I've ever indulged in?
I have people being strong for me. But I don't need that. I have people who tell me they just can't be strong for me. But I don't need them to be. Right now... right now I need a taste of normal. Today. Today this is what I need.
I still fight this diagnosis. I still fight a poor prognosis. I still want to listen to music, and dye my hair purple, and imagine I'll be in love with this wonderful man forever, and see my boy grow up, and have friends who are old fucks like me, and bury my parents in their old old age. What's wrong with that.
Fuck Cancer.
Nothing.
This is nothing.
Instead you tell me it's everything. My entire life held in a 3inx4inx4in mass, firm, non-mobile... thus sayeth the report. My current god. Aggressive, you say. Aggressive,they say.
The music stops. I hear a buzzing in my head and smell a funny smell... like gunpowder or sulphur. This must be what it feels like when... but there is no when... this is how it feels. I breathe. I breathe. Oh, how I breathe. Gasping... in, out. Hot. Is it hot in here suddenly?
Was it the alcohol? The cigarettes? Fried food at 2 am, red meat...
or
Not enough faith, not enough devotion, not enough belief...
or
Anger. Bitterness.
Too much of anything I've ever indulged in?
I have people being strong for me. But I don't need that. I have people who tell me they just can't be strong for me. But I don't need them to be. Right now... right now I need a taste of normal. Today. Today this is what I need.
I still fight this diagnosis. I still fight a poor prognosis. I still want to listen to music, and dye my hair purple, and imagine I'll be in love with this wonderful man forever, and see my boy grow up, and have friends who are old fucks like me, and bury my parents in their old old age. What's wrong with that.
Fuck Cancer.
11.24.2007
Expressionism and how
It's that moment when all the pieces we randomly threw in the air begin to fall and make something beautiful. Marcel Duchamp couldn't do this better. Only this is life. This is my life and your life and the lives of all the people we worship for loving us as we are. We are the canvas of hope. Of future. Of all the tomorrows we thirst for. There is nothing better than living today and being ok with whatever tomorrow brings.
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